Do I Stay or Do I Go Now... (05172009)

I originally wrote this on May 17, 2009 and it was during a rough time in my marriage with Heather. I was contemplating separation and was leaning very heavily toward that conclusion. Ultimately I decided to not go my separate way and it's more than a year since I wrote this original text (today is 09/19/2010).


Do I Stay or Do I Go now…

A look at whether or not to stay with Heather:

If I stay…

Pros:

- Some degree of companionship.
- I get to see my daughter grow up.
- My daughter has two parents to provide for her.
- Easier access to sex.

Cons:

- I live with someone who bosses me around and manipulates me.
- I have to tolerate the constant negativity.
- I have to tolerate the "hypochondria".
- I sacrifice any degree of freedom I have ever had.
- Decision making isn't really mine; to any degree.
- Budgeting issues may remain out of control (I'm convinced they will).
- The relationship may become so hostile that Sierra gets no real benefit from it.
-

If I go…

Pros:

- I have freedom.
- I have control over my budget & life.
- I have greater free time to pursue all of life's questions.
- I have greater freedom to pursue whatever course in life I deem necessary.
- Greater flexibility in my daily life, do what I want when I want.

Cons:

- Loneliness, no companionship.
- I won't have such easy access to sex.
- I will most likely not see my daughter that much (only occassional visits).
- Heather will likely build a seperate life of her own and may get involved in another
relationship down the road.

Things I might be able to do to offset some of the cons:

- Get involved in a religious group (Unitarian?).
- Join some sort of book club or some other activity.
- Start to see a therapist and continue with those sessions.
- See if you can't find some sort of group that will provide individuals with common
interests.
- Pursue a college education in computers and see if you can't work that into better
career options.

My conclusion:

- Based on the high level of cons, for staying, and the definate benefits for leaving,
I believe the right course of action is to leave and strike out on my own course. If I
pursue some of the things I have outlined, to deal with the negatives, perhaps I could
find greater meaning and purpose in my life. My regret is that this relationship could
not work and that my daughter, to some degree, must pay the price for my past bad
decisions.

I feel as though, far to often, in my life, I have sacrificed what is best for me in an
attempt to appease others. I sometimes feel as though I am spending significant amounts
of time jumping from one foot to the other in order to make others happy. I think that
it is time for me to take into consideration what is best for me. I do not believe I
can be truly happy in any sort of romantic relationship. My loneliness got me into this
mess and now I have to be tough enough to get myself out. I think the relationship was
wrong from the start. At one point, while Heather and I were dating, I felt as though
the proper course of action was to break up with her and go our seperate ways. This
feeling I now believe to have been the voice of common sense and reason. My fear of
being alone stepped in the way and made me hold on to this relationship. In the end I
even chose to get married to a woman who I should have fully realized was not best suited
for me.

I do not believe that all of the blame, for this relationships failures, should be layed
at the feet of Heather. I know I have made mistakes and one of them was particularly big.
I lack direction and meaning in my life. I'm not sure how to find these things but perhaps,
with some effort, I could find purpose.

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